If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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