I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it hurts more in the daytime
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
and you fell through a lawn chair
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
