i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
