I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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