I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
