I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
