Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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