I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
