I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
