I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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