Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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