What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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