Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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