I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
