my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
