I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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