glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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