last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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