Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
