I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
