your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
