When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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