i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
