So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
