i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
