i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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