I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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