M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
