i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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