I look better un-naked...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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