my phone needs a breathalizer
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
