How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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