he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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