it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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