I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
