He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
