I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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