just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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