Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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