i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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