1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
