Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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