One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I did not marry a roomba.
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