All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
