maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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