Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
