You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
