I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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