you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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