it hurts more in the daytime
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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